Love

"In other words nice girls finish last"

Jan 3, 2007

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I haven't truly experienced this sick twisted emotion in a few years now. Not to it's full potential anyway. I mean of course I've met a guy or two that I was diggin so deeply that I wanted to be completely consumed by him - in love. But it never went that far. I was on hiatus for a bit. Decided I no longer wanted to feel the penetration of the dick. Too many worries, inconsistencies, drama, heartache, turmoil etc. etc. came with it.

But even little Ms. Perfect has to sometimes fall back *wink*. Never did I claim to be celibate. I just wanted a little more from the person I decided to give my body to. And just when I thought I'd found it, the rug got slipped from under me. Take the magnificent Mr. M for instance. I met him in the begining of the year, at a wedding nonetheless. It was lust and first look. Being he lived so far away - a few states down - we never saw each other. Not that we couldn't, it was just that he wouldn't make the effort. And being in the past I've always overexerted myself to pleasing or proving myself to the one I was interested in, only to fall flat on my face, my heart crushed beneath me, I decided it was high time for me to sit back and see just how bad this man wanted me.

His demotivated factor to not take the 3 hour trip to NY or to fit the bill so I could see him proved that he didn't want me bad enough. And I so wanted to be wanted badly. I deserved it damn it! But still, even going weeks without speaking to him, when I did it made me smile. Clearly a sign of someone in love or just plain foolish. His voice that I once hated was music to my ears. But our conversations were always good, kept me interested. But the last draw was when he made it abundantly clear that despite almost a year of conversing and getting to know each other without the confusion of the physical aspect, I was no more than just a piece of ass not worthy of anything more than a fling in the sheets.

Within weeks of this revelation, he apologized, sent me flowers and came rushing down to profess his love to me.

Sweet.

But sometimes you can't wait too long to do certain things.

My final year end "heartbreak" came in the form of someone who wasn't my usual type. Short...super short and young. The attraction I had for him was real but the respect he had for my simple stress free demands were null and void. I'm not really sure of the upbringing of some men, the ones I meet anyway. But I do believe that if you make plans with someone that being cordial, polite, respectful and considerate enough to contact that person to let them know you will not be showing up is nothing short of simple to do.

In retrospect, the first time he did that dumb shit and I gave him another chance to do it again I was playing myself. But sometimes things aren't that serious and people deserve a second chance. But once it took place again I realized that I'd thrown out the window my expectations of what I wanted in a mate no matter if we were official or not. And although I've made it clear that this was something that irritated me and it was understood that it shouldn't happen again, it happened again.

And again. And again.

And again.

Until the last time it came. Only days after the time before that. Not a phone call, a text message, an email, a drop by my house. Nothing. My feelings were so crushed. I asked myself. What is it about me? I don't give a hard time. I try to be understandable and easy going. I only ask for simple shit. Give it to me good, give it to me on a regular, let's go out (sometimes I'll treat). Come spend the night once in a blue so I can cook you breakfast in the morning. If you're going to have side bitches tell me in advance so I know where I stand and if you feel you need to hide it don't let me find out or I'm going to be compelled to cut you. Call me and tell me happy holidays, happy birthday or whatever and if we make plans, CALL IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO MAKE IT! Really, is that so much to ask for?

I guess for some of the men out there it is. I mean I always thought men wanted things to be easy with women. They wanted to get their sex, no stress, maybe a meal and an extra blow job. But it seems to me now that a lot of men don't know what it is they want. In fact I think being easy going maybe the downfall of my demise and any woman that thinks this tactic in keeping a man around will work. Men want a hard time, so it seems. They want you to stalk them, ask them who is that bitch. Bitch to them about every little nook and cranny of events that take place between you.

They want you to call them every single day and cry to them as to why you haven't seen them all week. They want you to bitch about why you won't give them any money, fuck being independent, they don't appreciate it! In other words they want you to be so consumed by them you don't have a life of your own. You don't breath without them being around. Being easy going leaves you standing in the fields all alone. In other words nice girls finish last.

With that said, I feel in order to find love you've got to be a bitch. I mean that's what the books tell us anyway. And with my first hand experience I have to emphatically attest that this shit is true. Make them wait for that sex, make them wait for that first kiss. Make them wait weeks for that second date. Make them wait for the return phone calls. Make them wait for everything. And when they get it, give them a hard time everyday of the week. Check their phones for strange numbers. Pop up at their house and job, even their school. Question them like you are a gossip columist. Lie to them...about everything. Whatever the fuck you do make it hard!

If you think I'm joking, ask one of your guy friends or your girl friends in a relationship what their mate is like or how they are to their man. Chances are you will hear that bitch is crazy. She be checkin' my phone, calling bitches back blah blah blah. And I bet you they've been together for years and he is just sitting there taking it like a dumb ass.

Men say we women are confused. On the contrary, you men are confused. Confused fucks. We all think we know what we want till we get it and we can't handle it. We are all so use to being treated like shit that we don't know what a good thing is when it hits us in the face. I for one have dealt with so much hot garbage of men that I know what it is I'm looking for. I know what I will not tolerate.

Will I continue to look for love? Probably not, can't say I really started. All I know is I've met a few that I wanted to love but they consistently blow it and I have to move on.

This year I'm going to look for love in other places. I'm going to look for the right videographer to shoot my content the way I want it shot and give it to me in a timely manner. I will love him and we will work together always. I am going to find a photographer that knows how to shoot me well and won't try to charge me an arm and a leg for the photo sessions and I will love him too and we will work together always. I will love my loyal members so much because they have stuck with me through the BS that I've gone through with this site that they will get more than what they bargained for.

I will love my body so much that by the time the spring comes I will be that bitch! I will never skip yoga in the mornings or a day of my vitamins and vegetable intake. My skin will be radiant because I will love it so much. I will love my ideas so much that I will be motivated more than ever to see it come to life. My burlesque show, my cable access show and so on and so forth.

It seems that I need to divert my attention once again, back into me and into no-one else. Love from a man will come, who knows when. I waited so long that it almost doesn't matter anymore. The problem is once you come out of a coma and go back into being involved with people it is sometimes very hard to revert and become focused again. I lost my focus and got involved with something that has yet to do anyting positive for me over the years. But I will take the negative aspect of it and turn it into something positive, something that will benefit me.

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